Part of me…
I wake up in cold sweats, never can make it through the night. Every day I want to give up, but I know I have to fight. Chest pains, shortness of breath. One day I’m happy the next I’m contemplating death. Went from class clown to feeling like I might drown. I can’t stop running because I feel the darkness breathing down my back. Everyone tells me how great my life is and all I think about what I lack. Can tell my friends because they might think I’m crazy, mom say I sleep all day because I’m lazy. I have a disease that has no cure. So when I give you my love just know it’s pure. I live in the moment because I don’t know what tomorrow can be. I wrote this today Monday 9/30/19 at 10:14pm so you can know a part of me.
~Part of Me by George “The Jester” Simpson
Fear
Poem written August 12, 2009:
I don't know anymore. Ask alot of people what they fear, see what they say. Most people say death or God. I can understand that. But for me i have alittle more deeper fears. I fear love, I fear that person that can bring me to tears. I fear the emotion that can make a man kill. I fear the feeling between just being friends and making it real. I fear life, I fear the pain life brings. I fear ignorance, I fear people not knowing what it sounds like to hear a caged bird sing. I fear people who don't know the patience of Dr. King or not knowing what it means to be free at last. I fear people who don't know the strength of Malcolm or not know the knowledge of El Hajj Malik Shabazz. I fear a lot of things in this world. I fear talking and only hearing a revoice, I fear being sad all the time with no chance to rejoice. I'm afraid of being alone at thirty, but what I fear the most is ME.
Pain
This is a poem I wrote December 27, 2011:
What is pain? Is it the look in a mother's eyes when her hungry baby cries. Or is it the feeling inside when all of your hope dies. What is pain? Knowing your father left and doesn't want to come back. Or knowing that police pulled you over not cause of your tail light because you are black. What...is...pain? Is it seeing the girl of your dreams with another fella watching her go through her version of pain when you know you could treat her 1000 times better. What is pain? When you extend your hand to a friend and They respond back flipping Or was it the look on Mrs. Simpson face when she found out her oldest son was Crippin. Pain isn't something just for the poor, It stops by to say hi to the rich And kicks down the middle-class' door. It spreads its wings like a condor From the top of the Himalayas to the slums of Baltimore. It touches you from your toes to your brains hitting you harder than any Semi-truck or train I know what you thinking what can stop the pain? While you worry bout the pain I worry bout all the LOVE I'm going to gain!
Ohana
What’s up everyone. If you are reading this around the time I wrote it then it is the weekend of the 4th of July. I’m a self proclaimed introvert so I normally don’t go anywhere. I’ll pull my grill out which I call Big Bertha and make me some burgers and sausages. But this year is the first year after my father passed so it was a little different. Like most introverts I tried to come up with ways to get out of going. But mom insisted so I went. The only thing about it was it was 3 HOURS AWAY! Not to mention it was was in the middle of Trump country and not the we have the right to vote Trump country. I’m talking “All Lives Matters, what are you doing here?” Trump country. But I really wanted grilled food and it was a semi housewarming for my cousin so I went.
After the Lord of the Rings journey through western Maryland we arrived. Cousin took me on the obligatory tour of the house. Met all the non relatives and found my corner to people watch. Then the triggers showed up. My family have been a huge trigger for me for as long as I can remember. Not all mind you but the right ones. But this is a journey of bettering myself. So I tackled the triggers head on. They go into the bragging of their children and my mom would slide in a cool fact about me. Deflecting the attacks. It turned into one of those functions I always wanted to be apart of. I even got the when you having some kids of your own speech. I saw family I haven’t seen since I was in high school and even got on the court and showed them the old man still got it. Wasn’t much but knew lol. Didn’t stay for the fireworks because I didn’t feel comfortable driving back through in the dark. Said my good-byes and headed back to Baltimore.
On the way back I couldn’t help but smile and think I had a great time. I’m glad I came. Faced my triggers in a positive way. It was a good day. I slept all day today but I woke up feeling good about what is next on this healing journey. This really wasn’t about my anxiety but I thought I share this. Until next time.
Can I do this?
No better way to start a blog then by starting with my biggest fear. Maybe I am not as great or awesome as people think I am. Every time I think something good happens in my life I hear my ex girlfriend’s voice in my head. “You’re end alone and miserable just like your father.” I carried that weight for nine years. Then it made me think about my whole life of doing everything to be the exact opposite of him. But the world has a silly way of teaching you lessons. In March my father died from cancer. Before he passed I got to spend some time with him. I watched how he controlled a room even in his weakened state. Made people laugh and everyone close to him had so much admiration. One of the last things he said to me was “No one can tell you your destiny”. After his passing I took some time, which means 3 months for me lol, to reflect I found that the words I feared echoing in my head for nine years was really a mission statement. Because she was right. I became my father and that’s ok.
🤙🏽🤙🏽🤙🏽
